Today, September 10th is suicide prevention day, we are all suppose to wear purple....
Like somehow purple will stop the bullying, will stop the hate in this world, the war and destruction, the backstabbing and hurting.
We all feel alone at times, like life is just imposable and will never get better. But i have watched a family so dear to me lose an amazing person, myself have a whole piece of my heart missing too, he took all of us with him. There isn't a day that goes by we don't think of him and are reminded of his voice, his laugh, to feel his presence. Like many others, he did not realize what all the love he truly had. I have other friends who have lost their sister, friends and even a father by suicide. There is an immense struggle to not long for that person and shed tears for them everyday. And despite suicide being publicized now and bullying coming out in the media, people still think its ok to say and do hurtful things to one another.
After our friend/ brother/ son/ sister/ has died there are days I know we all think, well i have thought: maybe the had the right idea, this world is ending, there is war, death, and incredibly rude inconsiderate people everywhere i turn and i sometimes think, maybe thats why he left. Maybe he couldn't stand watching everyone treat everyone else like garbage.
After his death, i felt that i should have been there for him when he needed me most. to this day I play that day over in my head and think if i tried harder i could have saved us all this incredible pain. I think everyone of us feels this same way. if we had tried if we were nicer. what if, could have should have. And although i know it is no use thinking of it haunts us everyday.
Some people say suicide is selfish and sinful....we don't know fully and understand fully the reasons for some to take their lives, when you have a mental illness, sometimes, you truly believe its the only way to stop the pain inside, to quiet the voices that continue to taunt you day in and day out. I feel if people were more understanding instead of walking away because they don't want to deal with the person they think is simply "crazy" depression and suicide wouldn't be happening this much.
When I talked to my friend i felt like he understood me more then anyone i had ever met, i felt most comfortable laying by his side, i haven't felt that in a long time. i had trust in this man. When he left i felt that i should have left with him, that i left him alone, that he really thought i didnt care. But not only this, we both could not find love here, we were both searching aimlessly and because we were hurt so much before we couldn't see what was right in front of us. I tried once to leave and woke up.
And so after years, i started to look for others, soemone i could feel safe with someone who would treat me right, even just a trust worthy friend. but there are so many people who are very selfish that when you gift your heart one day, its a backhand the next. I felt as though i was running in circles, when i wanted to care and be cared about i was pushed away and forgotten. but you sometimes realize that people are just inconsiderate, they will never see the pain they cause others and it's not your fault. When people treat you badly it says nothing about you but it says so much about them.
Death is something i think of quite a lot. some times i really believe im at a dead end. that i will never be content in this world but only when I'm gone and find him again.
I have been broken, mistreated, used and torn apart by people i believed cared for me, even just a little bit. Just like the rest of us have at some point in life, just because someone did it to you doesnt mean you have to become hardened by hate also or feel the only way is out. But in the end part of me is glad i never succeeded, i would never want my true friends to feel the way i feel everyday, to feel this pain and hurt of what i could have done to save the only guy that truly cared for me and his friends, i just believe in the fact that he could not take the hate we put on each other anymore. I have tried my hardest to be the best person i can and some have hurt me badly for being too nice but i also look at the ones who do care and do appreciate me, how they would be devastated if i made this choice, this is what keeps me going. a simple call from a friend. a night with my friends, seeing my family. forget the ones who don't deserve your love, love yourself and move on. Holding on to the past and people that make you this sad is not worth it.
"Do not make a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
I miss you Michael and one day when it is my time, i will make this up to you, and we will find love where we couldn't find it here. if you had stayed maybe things would be different but I dont blame you and i am not mad at you anymore, i have accepted your decision i know why you had to do this. you have also become an example to live by, for the ones who hurt you to be more careful with their words an actions, for the ones who are thinking of a way out, to see the broken hearts you left behind.
1987-2009
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